When She’s Into you, but you aren’t that Into Her

A recent visitor to my blog enjoyed my post 10 Signs She’s Into you and suggested I write a post for advice for men who aren’t that into her I found it lovely that he was concerned with how to go about it in a sensitive way and I realise that a lot of men don’t know how to do it.

women do not take rejection well.

our sensitive natures and  that we don’t put ourselves in the way of rejection often, like men, makes it a bigger experience in our mind than is necessary.

I have always admired the courage men have to walk up to a woman to strike up a conversation or ask for a phone number on nothing to go by but body language. So what happens when a woman is really into you but you can’t reciprocate?

There are two types of scenario

1. If its a woman you don’t know well or just met, it is fairly easy to rebuff her advances because she will be pursuing. She will start a chat, eventually suggest a date or she will ask for your number. All you have to do here is say that you are flattered and thank her, but state that you are too busy to date at present, that you would like to remain single at the moment or not looking for a girlfriend. No harm, no foul and the white lie is excusable because I don’t think a woman would appreciate the reasons you have for not liking her. She will move on and there is usually no fall out.

2. When it’s a woman that you know well and consider a friend, a more delicacy is required. You will have to see her again or there is a friendship that you value at stake. You may have realised that she’s in to you and at this point it is going to sting her because she now knows enough about you to see some sort of future together. Probably every interaction you have has re-affirmed her growing feelings. If you don’t want a confrontation you need to:

• Make sure to mention that you are actively dating other people or not interested in a relationship.
• Don’t do things to lead her on such as flirting
• Don’t spend too much one on one time with her
• Avoid typically romantic or “couply” activities
• Don’t avoid talking about other women. A woman won’t think you like her if you talk to her about other women.
• Make sure that she is in the ‘Friend zone’, treat her as you would a male friend. In most cases like this, that is enough to let her know that it will not happen but as you have continued to see her socially, you want to remain friends

The most uncomfortable thing that could happen within this scenario is if she confronts you directly or declares her feelings. You may have been oblivious to this or you may have suspected it but it all leads to “awkward”

There only remains one path way here but its all in the delivery whether you hurt her feelings or ego. The rules to follow are:

• Be polite,
• As surprised or uncomfortable as you may feel do not let that show on your face.
• Explain to her in a normal voice (not a pleading voice) that she is a wonderful girl but state that you don’t feel that you would be compatible as more than friends.
• If she asks you why, and there’s a good chance she will, you can tell her that its a general feeling, you feel close to her but not in that way.
• Tone of voice is important as she will begin to feel uncomfortable at the first sign that you do, she will feel doubly embarrassed if you do and pity herself if she feels that from you. Keep your voice friendly casual, low, light and calm. She will understand that it is an instinctual thing and will deduce that you took in her friendship in first. If she values your friendship and it is genuine, but she developed feelings, she wont want to lose it either.
• Don’t apologise, again this will make her feel guilty, stupid and pitiful. You have done nothing wrong, you simply don’t feel the same way.
• If she continues to probe tell her that she is attractive, intelligent etc… and that is why you value her friendship and hope to keep it.
• Don’t leave
• Don’t start avoiding her, treat her as you normally would.

In the event that she takes it horribly and becomes angry and revengeful, you may have to consider that the friendship was a little one sided and trying to be around you to end up romantically. Don’t respond if she is acting disrespectful, you may have to cut the friendship off, avoid calls or face to face contact. Usually people that have this reaction will take any interaction that you allow as hope so avoid this

I hope I’ve been helpful or offered insight. Let me know

Photo flickr by Jason Saul CC BY-ND 2.0