When She’s Into you, but you aren’t that Into Her

A recent visitor to my blog enjoyed my post 10 Signs She’s Into you and suggested I write a post for advice for men who aren’t that into her I found it lovely that he was concerned with how to go about it in a sensitive way and I realise that a lot of men don’t know how to do it.

women do not take rejection well.

our sensitive natures and  that we don’t put ourselves in the way of rejection often, like men, makes it a bigger experience in our mind than is necessary.

I have always admired the courage men have to walk up to a woman to strike up a conversation or ask for a phone number on nothing to go by but body language. So what happens when a woman is really into you but you can’t reciprocate?

There are two types of scenario

1. If its a woman you don’t know well or just met, it is fairly easy to rebuff her advances because she will be pursuing. She will start a chat, eventually suggest a date or she will ask for your number. All you have to do here is say that you are flattered and thank her, but state that you are too busy to date at present, that you would like to remain single at the moment or not looking for a girlfriend. No harm, no foul and the white lie is excusable because I don’t think a woman would appreciate the reasons you have for not liking her. She will move on and there is usually no fall out.

2. When it’s a woman that you know well and consider a friend, a more delicacy is required. You will have to see her again or there is a friendship that you value at stake. You may have realised that she’s in to you and at this point it is going to sting her because she now knows enough about you to see some sort of future together. Probably every interaction you have has re-affirmed her growing feelings. If you don’t want a confrontation you need to:

  • Make sure to mention that you are actively dating other people or not interested in a relationship.
  • Don’t do things to lead her on such as flirting
  • Don’t spend too much one on one time with her
  • Avoid typically romantic or “couply” activities
  • Don’t avoid talking about other women. A woman won’t think you like her if you talk to her about other women.
  • Make sure that she is in the ‘Friend zone’, treat her as you would a male friend. In most cases like this, that is enough to let her know that it will not happen but as you have continued to see her socially, you want to remain friends

The most uncomfortable thing that could happen within this scenario is if she confronts you directly or declares her feelings. You may have been oblivious to this or you may have suspected it but it all leads to “awkward”

There only remains one path way here but its all in the delivery whether you hurt her feelings or ego. The rules to follow are:

  • Be polite,
  • As surprised or uncomfortable as you may feel do not let that show on your face.
  • Explain to her in a normal voice (not a pleading voice) that she is a wonderful girl but state that you don’t feel that you would be compatible as more than friends.
  • If she asks you why, and there’s a good chance she will, you can tell her that its a general feeling, you feel close to her but not in that way.
  • Tone of voice is important as she will begin to feel uncomfortable at the first sign that you do, she will feel doubly embarrassed if you do and pity herself if she feels that from you. Keep your voice friendly casual, low, light and calm. She will understand that it is an instinctual thing and will deduce that you took in her friendship in first. If she values your friendship and it is genuine, but she developed feelings, she wont want to lose it either.
  • Don’t apologise, again this will make her feel guilty, stupid and pitiful. You have done nothing wrong, you simply don’t feel the same way.
  • If she continues to probe tell her that she is attractive, intelligent etc… and that is why you value her friendship and hope to keep it.
  • Don’t leave
  • Don’t start avoiding her, treat her as you normally would.

In the event that she takes it horribly and becomes angry and revengeful, you may have to consider that the friendship was a little one sided and trying to be around you to end up romantically. Don’t respond if she is acting disrespectful, you may have to cut the friendship off, avoid calls or face to face contact. Usually people that have this reaction will take any interaction that you allow as hope so avoid this

I hope I’ve been helpful or offered insight. Let me know

Photo flickr by Jason Saul CC BY-ND 2.0

14 thoughts on “When She’s Into you, but you aren’t that Into Her”

  1. Great post. Young boys are taught early on, saying the truth to girls will always lead to hurting her feelings. He eventually grows up refusing to tell the unadulterated truth. “Do I look fat in these?” He stumbles to find the words but eventually fabricates. If he was instead taught to express his feelings with the truth, he would understand lying does her no good. There is a way to express the truth of course, but this is not taught to young boys. They are simply taught that the truth will hurt her feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, yet delivery is everything, there is a fine line between the truth and brutal so with the “do I look fat in these?” maybe a redirection like “I love those other pants, they make you look great, why don’t you try them on?” might be a better approach lol… unless you want to end up in the dog house! Thanks for the comment.

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  2. As for your situation, I would prefer to be rejected by someone because they simply do not enter intimate relationships or even feel those urges such as you have described is the case with Asexuals. This would definitely reduce the hurt to my ego and pride as it is not a personal thing, you are not rejecting me per se, it’s a partner in general. It is criticism free and we know that women are not used to rejection and we are the vainer sex! so I wouldn’t worry. Just a question though? does the lady know that you are Asexual because if she did, she wouldn’t have considered you romantically.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s an excellent question to ask an asexual. First, however, I should let you know that it doesn’t correspond to a real situation. I haven’t had a woman express romantic and/or sexual interest in me personally for a very long time. i was just thinking of all those younger men who encountar that situation constantly and have to deal with it.

      The question you touch on is: when is it appropriate to tell people you’re asexual? Some asexuals strongly embrace the concept of “coming out” in the sense of a gay or bi man coming out, and take every opportunity to express their asexual identity. I, and some others, consider that intrusive and inappropriate. There are many asexual men who don’t want to just barge into a social situation and declare theirr asexuality out of context, so they have to wait for it to come up in conversation, and in some cases it doesn’t come up before trouble stawrts brewing.

      There is also still a certain level of non-acceptance of asexuality in the world. For various reasons, people will tell an asexual that he just “hasn’t met the right woman yet,” or, if he is young, that he “will grow out of it,” Some people even deny that asexuality exists. And I even heard from a man in college who was afraid to tell his roommate that he’s asexual because his roommate is a highly devout Christian and “everyone knows asexuaity is LGBT.”

      Long story short, telling people in advance that you’re asexual is not always appropriate or easy. There will sometimes be messes you have to clean up. Thanks for your assistance in that matter.

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      1. Sorry I must have taken your comment on 10 Signs that She’s Into you the wrong way but its good that you don’t have a “problem” at present, to be honest I had heard of Asexualism, not in detail, but never met an Asexual. It must be hard to balance privacy and inappropriateness with not attracting romantic interest. I still think though that you may want to bring it up at the first sign of romantic interest when she/he is not that invested. Most people today would think Asexualism odd but once you explain as you did, I don’t imagine many would discriminate unless, as you mentioned, it went against a religious belief. It is possible that you are more wary or sensitive of it than is necessary?

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  3. The one thing here that caught me by surprise was not apologizing. It’s a natural tendency to be sorry that you can’t reciprocate someone else’s feelings. In such situations I really would BE sorry. But apparently saying that would be a mistake.

    Thanks for posting this. It should help lots of guys who just aren’t interested in anyone. But I wonder how it would work if a man such as me just told such a woman flat out that the real reason for the rejection is that he’s never interested in anyone or anything, period. What do you think?

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    1. Yes I did think about that but even if you feel sorry, expressing it at that moment wouldnt feel good for a woman, it would make her feel like she read into things too much, like you feel sorry for her etc… Its not your fault either. She developed emotions that you did not. Unless you led her on, that is nobodys fault.

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